When I posed the questioned “What do you want to be when you grow up?” a few weeks ago, my favorite response (from @kiramke) said, “In high school my answer was “happy”, and I’ve never changed it.”

I guess I haven’t really made it a secret that I haven’t been completely happy since I’ve moved back to Illinois. Things aren’t happening quite as I envisioned them and my heart is still in Milwaukee. I wasn’t ready to leave when I did, and I constantly feel like something is missing in my life.

I’ve never been completely practical with my life. I’m very idealistic and passionate. I’ve never been one to want to do something because it’s what I should do, according to someone else’s standards. I’d rather be dirt poor and doing something I love and wholeheartedly believe in than succumbing to societal standards just to make a dollar.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure to be “great.” A lot of it probably has to do with the fact that I’m living at my parents’ house. Living up to their standards is something that I’ll probably never be able to do. They motivate by setting the bar unattainably high, and while this DOES motivate, it also throws your shortcomings into the limelight. They mean well, but I don’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t under a lot of pressure from them to be “the best.”

That being said, with pressure coming in from all sides, I’ve lost my direction. I need to figure out what I want to do with my life, not how to make everyone else happy. I’m afraid that if I try to figure it out while I’m here, I’ll make some rash decision just because I want to get out.

So, my plans is to go home. Go back to what I know, where I’m happy. Go back to work with people who feel like family. Calm myself. Meditate. Relax. Breathe. Ground myself. Center myself. And then figure out what I want to do with my life.

A friend just said “Calm down about figuring it out. Make mistakes for a half decade and then figure it out.” So that’s what I’m going to do. Make mistakes. Be impulsive.

Be happy.

Because really, what else is there in life? Isn’t that what we’re ultimately working towards? Happiness?

“Don’t waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window or break down a door.”
— Brooke Shields
(Thanks, @luckyjLu)


~ by etau on July 12, 2010.

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